lies.

the sun is out today, right now. so are the clouds. it's a cold and blustery fall day. the trees are all magnificent reds and oranges, yellows and browns. the leaves are falling to the ground more each day. the sun keeps poking out of the clouds. i am sitting at a coffee shop in Mac. i have no work to do today or tomorrow. crush is over, but Felix still wants us to stay around for a bit longer to do some bottling. a complicated situation in itself. i am feeling a bit abused for my willingness to work. i feel aimlessness coming on towards me lately. the "quicksand of inactivity" starting to pull and tug at me--which always gets me thinking and pondering and writing. and poems and coffee shops and running and more thinking.

*****

(as usual, musings here inspired by the one and only mallory)

society, no, the world, our culture? whoever "they" are--they lie about two crucial things in life. the two most crucial things in life actually. love and purpose. i think so at least.

as we grow up, the fairy tale of cinderella and prince charming recedes into just what it is--a fairy tale. maturity comes along and our dreams of Mr. or Mrs. Perfect sweeping us off our feet and love-like-the-movies stops seeming a plausible reality. it's because of a lot of specific and complex factors--but it comes down, doesn't it?, to general disappointment that some other person can't read our brainwaves perfectly (an impossible, yet strivable, feat, no?). it seems this let-down (if we want to call it that....or is it really just life? of course it's just life!) has become generally accepted. that is: love doesn't end at finding the perfect person, marriage is not a life-long honeymoon, it takes work and compromise and pain and growth and all good stuff that.

So, yes. we (our world, these people around us who live as we do) seem to have come to expect that love will forever be a challenging realm of our lives. that it cannot be perfected, only struggled through and thereby enjoyed. (and what a great way to flip a sad reality. that we grow from finding out what "love" means. I like that. so very much. because it's what makes love a realistic part of life--it's unexpected and strange and always changing.)

but, no one tells you about the other thing in life that will forever be elusive: purpose. our world is set up such that we spend the first 23 years of our lives in school. every day has structure, every season, every year we go to classes, have summer vacation, go to camps, learn to play instruments, study. in this world (and maybe here, I can say specifically in the US it's most extreme, or at least in that bubble called the northeast US) there is a path that is "right." it includes elementary school, where after school hours are filled with music lessons, soccer practice, ballet classes. Summers are camp and fun with friends. then we go to high school--and get a little more freedom--but still we study and we practice when we're told to. Then we go to college, and the "right" thing to do is take all the requirements, major smartly, get good grades, and get the great internship after junior year.

then we graduate.

and suddenly there's nothing "right" anymore. nothing is ever absolutely correct anymore. and no one warns us about this fact before it happens. no one says, "by the way, after you finish school, the world will never tell you again what you are supposed to be doing. it will be entirely your responsibility to figure out what is right for you to do." which is, of course great, because you become totally your own boss. but it's also terrifying because how do you know what you're supposed to be doing. how do you know if choice A is better than choice Y? it's all on your shoulders and it's scary.

no one tells you that, just like you'll never find a "perfect" (how gross) love, you'll also never be *sure* (as in 100% sure) of what "you're supposed to do with your life." i mean, supposedly, after you finished 18 years of schooling, you'd think i could have some idea of what i want to be my purpose, how i want to contribute, how i think i fit, into this vast complex world. but nope. i'm not lucky enough to have grown up drawing and know that i want to be an artist, or drawn to medicine so i'm a doctor, or arguing (well, that's arguable) so i'll become a lawyer. what about us floaters? we don't have a prescribed path. or at least I can't see what mine is.

so. yea. lies when we're little: that prince charming exists and that we'll find the perfect career that miraculously makes us extatic every day to go to work, or even, just that we'll know what and how we are meant to be a creative, special, or otherwise useful contributer to the world in some way that's larger than just little me.

******

talk a lot about what makes me happy. about people being my thing. about experiences. about places and traveling. and about this question of people vs. places. a place might be all one needs. but a great place can be boring and lonely if you aren't with people to enjoy it with you. same thing: a place might be terribly uninteresting, but if you're with the right person or people, it can be an incredible adventure. so that suggests it's about the people, not the place. therefore, a "right" path for the floaters in the world (the floaters that follow this logic that is, and not everyone does, obviously) would be dictated not by what you are doing specifically and not by where you are, but by who you are with.

but doesn't this put too much pressure on those people?probably. because i can write poems and sit in coffee shops with my Gens and my Mallorys for a long time, but i can't do that forever, with no other purpose....

and so, oh, how unexpected! it's a compromise between the two. just like everything else in life. find people who make you happy. find some THING that makes you happy. find a place that also makes you happy. and do that thing, live with those people, walk around that place. and then. well, then i supposed you'll be happy.