im feeling so happy. and content. each day i know what to expect and i am feeling that i know what i am doing around here more and more, which makes me feel in turn that I'm doing a good job with my work.

the thought of WWOOFing, and the fact that I am doing these sometimes 13 hour days for free. well except room and board. it is an interesting thing to stop and think about. because it's a lot of work. and i wake up early and i got to bed late and when felix tells us to punch Bin 10 we punch Bin 10, and when he says, tile the shack and install dry-wall and a wood stove, we do just that. and yet, we are working in exchange for our roof over our head, food in our bellies, and an incredible chance to learn about wine-making from start to finish in an extremely hands-on way. So i don't know quite how to put what I am feeling except in adjectives: happy to be learning. tired every day. happy to be outside and using my body. tired from using my body. thrilled to be so much a part of each step of the wine-making process. gratitude towards felix for all that he tells and teaches us. irritated at felix for how much he throws at us without us know what we are doing. ecstatic for how much responsibility he gives us. it all has its flip side. which is, i guess, the way life is.

more importantly, the money thing: doesn't seem to be an issue. i work for food and sleep and the chance to learn. and there is something very peaceful and wholesome (i know, cheesy) about this kind of exchange. there is something honest and sincere about the relationship that develops between felix and us (ryan and myself) because we are not here for some sum of money and because of it...well i don't know what happens, but it feels somehow very pure. i can't explain it much better than that. except that it feels like a fantastic chance to experience and practice the philosophical, spiritual even, lesson of simply living--not for money or profit or the pursuit of anything except...living, learning, existing, eating, sleeping, laughing, cooking, building, and making wine.

on another note. i have been thinking a lot about how happy i have been in this life that is outside, working with grapes and making wine. each day goes by so incredibly quickly, and at the end of every evening i am fully pooped. but there are moments when i realize how mentally i am unstimulated. I miss school and the rigors of academia...I really do. I miss being challenged in my thoughts and beliefs and forced to use my brain to solve issues or think about difficult questions. Out here i am only utilizing a portion of my mind and a large portion of my body. i like that I have found something that uses even a part of my body--that must continue--but to be truly happy in the long run, i think I will need to integrate some aspect of mental, mind-work too. i absolutely love making wine and i am thrilled to be out here, and so excited to possibly be continuing this stuff in the winter in New Zealand...but i do feel that i have larger gifts, greater possibilities, and more that I could do in the world. perhaps still within the wine world, perhaps using communication skills, and especially if I could tie in an aspect of environmental advocacy into the wine-world in some way....that would be great. anyway, this all came from thinking about WWOOFing and the idyllic farm life that I have so much craved for years and years. now that i am living it, i realize that yes, it is wonderful, but not what i want to do for the next 20 years. once i'm 50 I'd love to have my little garden but for now i think I need something more brain-active aswell. In a way, being out here has allowed me to realize how my brother has been right all along: i have more to offer than an armful of organic vegetables. and yet, unless i'd come out here and lived this life, i would never have experienced it and so I'd never have realized that it is great...but not right for me at this stage of my life. at least, not in the larger sense.

not sure if this makes any sense. just thoughts coming out of my fingers at 8:30 in the morning on a wednesday in october as i sit at the family computer in Carlton, Oregon.