how to make this time at home (nearly 3 months in itself) worthwhile and meaningful. not just a time to sit and waste time. how to use Boston, my family, this apartment, all of this, to my advantage, as another stage in my life and not simply a (long) resting stop between adventures. this is what I struggle with here.
a rather spectacular person wrote recently something staggeringly beautiful.
"I find myself floundering in a vat of my own confusion, that I can’t find the clairvoyance to make sense of anything, to pick anything out, to push through it, like honey, pushing into a wave. "
i thrive on adventure. even when it's rough and i struggle with it, i love it. in the comfort of home it is difficult to find adventure, to feel challenged, to push myself to do strange and cooky things
also, this child has something else to say.
"and I feel I should be ‘responsible'... Here’s my thing right now: I’m still at that phase/point in my life where I write things like “responsibility”, in quotes, and feel like maybe I should just fucking take the quotes off because it’s real. That’s where I am. That’s how things are changing. Fucking weird. Warped. Unreal. Real.
rather startlingly, you are right: it is time to run naked in the park without those markers--or rather, to remain 'responsible'----and look, there i did it again with the quotes----and leave our clothes on and keep it all perhaps a little quieter on the madness front? but that's not what i'm feeling these days. i'm feeling honey and waves and i'm right there with you: life's terrifying without the quotes and terrifying to think we ever need to live without them. but we do!
circles and cirlces andcirclesandcirlces of logic aroundwego. tadaa!
